times they are a changin'

My father’s duties since my grandma moved to the Philippines:
- cleaning and restocking the refrigerator
- my youngest brother’s full-time chauffer
- laundry
- ALL the yard work
- dog maintenance
- basic household chores
- being patient
…..
“ How come you don’t feel anything?” A.L.
“ You have no emotional range” - M.P.
“ Do you even care?” - S.D.
....

The sadness I feel is not the kind born of separation or complete isolation, but a deeper, epiphanous kind. Ive left before, but I knew that things would be pretty much the same when I got back. But this time, I surrendered the keys to APT 7. I surrendered Richie’s stern criticisms, Richard’s understanding. I surrendered the mysterious funky ball-sweat smell in the bathroom. Spontaneous karaoke competitions, playing Hot Shots Golf for dish duty. I surrendered 9 pillows on a queen sized bed and a window that welcomed the Santa Monica breeze each and every morning. The kind of unerring promise of normalcy that is both comforting and distressing.

Richie asked me if I was running away from something. A year ago, I probably would have said YES. But, right now, I really like my life. Im pretty content with a lot of aspects. Maybe that’s what bugs.

I think we owe it to ourselves as young adults to explore. that’s why im always endorsing travel. Taking yourself out of the mundane, the familiar, forces you to reexamine who you are, whats important, what you want to stand for. It also makes you feel more appreciative.

I can proudly say that everything ive ever really wanted to accomplish in my life, I have. I contribute such success to two things. One, I don’t ask for a lot of shit. Two, I approach seemingly insurmountable or unattainable things differently than most people, I suppose. I don’t make a list all of the things (whether subconsciously or on a spreadsheet) that could potentially make my goal unreachable or think of all the difficulties (whether financial, or otherwise) that would make it seem like a bad idea. I instead visualize it happening and create an action plan to get the ball rolling. When I accept it as a reality- something tangible, it becomes impossible to accept failure.

I mention this because I want to make it very clear that anything is possible. Im not an eternal optimist, in fact, sometimes, im disgustingly paranoid- but I don’t want fear to prevent any of my friends from doing something they really want to do. Alann’s math:

Everything you like < REGRET

Okay, so you might fail. But your greatest Success is better than your worst Failure. Sure, you’ll miss things. But you’ll miss them like you miss an old song you used to love. That one summer hit that you rediscover on the radio years later and instantly, youre a sophomore in HS at Monica’s house trying to figure out how to make your dick work. What you miss isn’t the song itself, but the feeling you associate with the melody. That very specific time in your life. Who you were, a kind of rapidly fraying innocence. But there will always be a better hook, a fresher beat. Luckily, my life has an excellent soundtrack.

My friends, I will not accept mediocrity, atrophy or complacency. Be better than right now.
….
And the Oscar goes to Heath Ledger.