<3

It's a line articulated most often by former druggies, women who had kids while in their teens and people who learned too late in life that they were in the wrong profession: "I don't have any regrets; the things I've been through have made me who I am". There is a difference between being okay with where we are in life, with what we’ve done and REGRET. I don’t think people give the idea enough credit. Regret has the power to propel us to do things that we are afraid of. How many times have we thrust ourselves into something uncomfortable knowing that if we didn’t do it, we would one day regret it? We are always given a choice and by making a decision we turn our backs on other possibilities. We lose a different outcome, some other reality. We hope we make the right decisions and sometimes we will never know if we did. However, the heavy sense of regret that we feel when we know we made the wrong choice can do good. It becomes the nagging feeling that guides us in the right direction the next time we’re at a crossroads.

I am so afraid of regret that I plan my life down to the details. I make big goals and do what it takes to make sure I reach them. Sometimes at the cost of feeling free. I never let new experiences teach me lessons. It’s weird, but even when I am doing something crazy, trying something different, I am doing it with a helmet on. In the rare instances I am being spontaneous, I’m so unsure of myself I feel nauseated. It’s like I am on a train heading towards success. I am comfortable in my seat, comfortable knowing that everything is on schedule, but I look out the window and see a world of unknown potential passing by.

The one area in life where regret loses its power is in dealings of the heart. I think it is impossible to regret loving someone. Even if the relationship ends, even when she doesn’t care to be your friend anymore or he forgets your birthday, you can never regret real love. When you truly love someone, when you give them your last slice of pizza even though you’re starving, when you drive miles empty on gas, cash and energy to see them, when you stand in front of them naked with a flaccid penis and all your dreams of a future with them in it, there’s no room in your heart for regret. The only time love and regret mix is when you know you didn’t love someone right, or as openly as she/ he/you deserved. But even then, you learn.

It's a struggle to find a balance. Regret bleeds gray and it's so hard to decide if it's hindering or rescuing us. I’ve been told to open my heart, to be open to love or I’ll regret it. I’ve been told that I am a cynic. A non-believer. It's been said that cynics and non-believers are secretly the most romantic and crazy of them all. And I’ll be the first to agree. I am crazy enough to believe that I can have the exact kind of love I want. Honest and true, with no regrets.