baby steps.
My mom has never had a very laissez faire parenting style, but when it comes to lessons about the intricacies of life, she treats my brothers and me with a mature straightforwardness. Although always well intentioned, her subject matter hasn’t always been age appropriate. When I was 8 years old and my brother was about 5 or so, she called us into her room and very seriously said: “You guys are boys now but soon you’ll be young men. One thing I want you to remember is that I do not want you to bring girls here to have sex. I do not want my home to be a whorehouse. Okay, you guys can go back to your room now.” Just like that. My brother and I went back to playing with our legos, giggling at the fact that she had used the word ‘sex’.
Most of these conversations do little but elicit a laugh when I look back on them, but one talk in particular has radically influenced my current relationship paradigm. I was probably 14 when my mom felt the urge to offer her take on romantic relationships over breakfast. Perhaps it was my cereal that inspired her. She said that for a relationship to work, one person has to love the other person significantly more. “For example, your dad loves me more than I love him. That’s why I married him.” Just like that. Of course I knew that she loved him too, but it was weird to hear my mom say something that shattered my idea about love, which at that point in my life was primarily based on Saved by the Bell. The idea that it wasn’t about romantic reciprocity as much as it was about power dynamics. Since then, I have viewed relationships much in the way that I view business transactions. Are all the components present to ensure a successful, mutually beneficial venture? What problems can I foresee that could impede growth? It’s why when at the first sign of trouble or weakness in the other person, I run. Cut my losses, if you will. Protect my assets and maintain power. I’ve always had to be in control.
I used to look around at all of my friends in relationships and wonder why they're involved at all. They are crying all the time. Sacrificing school progress, ruining relationships with their parents. Feeding one another using chopsticks in their early-twenties. I just didn’t get it. I always find it funny that these people come to me for advice when I haven’t been in a real relationship ever. At least the kind in which I surrender to the emotions in the way that they have. Maybe its because I’m always promoting independence. Haha. But I’m slowly learning that it isn’t all or nothing. I’m slowly learning that I can still be smart about it but give a little more sometimes. Take a little more later if I need it. Being in a relationship is listening to someone go on and on about something they’re passionate about but I don’t necessarily agree with and just shutting the fuck up. It’s letting them own a certain time of your day everyday, or a band. Or even a city. I’m slowly learning this. And that it’s not about finding someone who’ll love me more, but finding someone who I care enough about to ride out this volatile market. It’s giving myself the opportunity to find out firsthand if my mom’s advice is golden.
Or maybe simply finding someone who’ll tell me to get over myself. Just like that.
Most of these conversations do little but elicit a laugh when I look back on them, but one talk in particular has radically influenced my current relationship paradigm. I was probably 14 when my mom felt the urge to offer her take on romantic relationships over breakfast. Perhaps it was my cereal that inspired her. She said that for a relationship to work, one person has to love the other person significantly more. “For example, your dad loves me more than I love him. That’s why I married him.” Just like that. Of course I knew that she loved him too, but it was weird to hear my mom say something that shattered my idea about love, which at that point in my life was primarily based on Saved by the Bell. The idea that it wasn’t about romantic reciprocity as much as it was about power dynamics. Since then, I have viewed relationships much in the way that I view business transactions. Are all the components present to ensure a successful, mutually beneficial venture? What problems can I foresee that could impede growth? It’s why when at the first sign of trouble or weakness in the other person, I run. Cut my losses, if you will. Protect my assets and maintain power. I’ve always had to be in control.
I used to look around at all of my friends in relationships and wonder why they're involved at all. They are crying all the time. Sacrificing school progress, ruining relationships with their parents. Feeding one another using chopsticks in their early-twenties. I just didn’t get it. I always find it funny that these people come to me for advice when I haven’t been in a real relationship ever. At least the kind in which I surrender to the emotions in the way that they have. Maybe its because I’m always promoting independence. Haha. But I’m slowly learning that it isn’t all or nothing. I’m slowly learning that I can still be smart about it but give a little more sometimes. Take a little more later if I need it. Being in a relationship is listening to someone go on and on about something they’re passionate about but I don’t necessarily agree with and just shutting the fuck up. It’s letting them own a certain time of your day everyday, or a band. Or even a city. I’m slowly learning this. And that it’s not about finding someone who’ll love me more, but finding someone who I care enough about to ride out this volatile market. It’s giving myself the opportunity to find out firsthand if my mom’s advice is golden.
Or maybe simply finding someone who’ll tell me to get over myself. Just like that.
posted by Al Sal at 8:22 PM
2 Comments:
Oh Alann. How I adore you so.
you should blog more.
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